


Moments Worth Living

by Ghostwriter (Zoya_Zalan)



Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: First Time, Introspection, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 04:44:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7345393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya_Zalan/pseuds/Ghostwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Obi-Wan's late-night musings on emotions, the Jedi Code, and his master.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moments Worth Living

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer** : George Lucas owns all things Star Wars; I'm just borrowing. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> **Acknowledgments** : Many thanks to Catnip, Carol, and Master Hilary for giving this the once-over way back when!
> 
> **Author's Notes** : You know you've been writing fan-fiction too long when you accidentally rediscover a story you'd completely forgotten about! This one was my attempt at a believable Q/O scenario within the confines of the Code. Do you think it works?
> 
> Written in January 2003.

~ * ~ * ~

According to the Code, it is forbidden for Jedi to form any kind of emotional attachment which would interfere with, jeopardize, or take precedence over their commitment to the Order. This often leads people to believe that we are incapable of feeling attraction or love.

Not true.

We may be bound by strict precepts, but that hardly purges us of these natural instincts. I'm quite familiar with all of them — even love, which is a touchy issue at best for those who believe in and respect the Code. The difference is in how we deal with these emotions. Attraction is healthy, a reminder of how wonderful it is to be alive. When I'm attracted to someone, I delight in the accompanying euphoria. Having that attraction returned is even better. There is truly nothing better than balancing the weight of Jedi responsibility with time spent in the arms of someone who sets your mind and body on fire.

Yes, we have sex. At least, most of us do. As Jedi, we are required to take many oaths, but celibacy has never been one of them. There is nothing wrong with sharing comfort and pleasure with another being. This is something very carefully explained to all who grow up in the Temple, the point being emphasized quite regularly as children begin their awkward and tumultuous journey towards adulthood. We are always encouraged to release tension into the Force, but being able to release _other_ kinds of tensions in such gratifying ways keeps us happy, healthy, and focused.

Jedi are very open with one another. The environment here in the Temple lends itself very easily to that kind of security. Finding someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone to laugh with or someone to warm your bed is simply a matter of reaching out and asking. Or offering. There are very few restrictions where these things are concerned...

...which doesn't explain why I'm standing in the middle of our common room dressed in my bed clothes, absently picking fuzz from the back of our old, worn-out sofa. Oh Sith, I know what I'm doing. I'm procrastinating. Again. I can recall numerous evenings where I've done the exact same thing instead of doing what I truly want to do: walk into my master's bedroom and ask him if he would spend the night with me. There's nothing stopping me, really. Seeking intimacy with one's own master isn't forbidden, nor is it unheard of. It's actually rather common.

Then why am I so hesitant?

Qui-Gon Jinn is nothing if not intimidating. His presence is overpowering, even to those of us who know him well. His gentle, yet unorthodox disposition is both a lure and a deterrent. But that's not all. From my perspective, he's the epitome of masculinity. It radiates from his every pore. He holds himself like a man, walks like a man... smells like a man. Male. Very male. And quite possibly the kind of male that has no interest in making love with another man.

I can't see my master declining such an offer with anything but sincere compassion, yet I'm still reluctant to put myself in such a potentially embarrassing situation. It would take more than a few rounds of meditation to purge that kind of mortification from my system. Still, how am I to know for sure that he _would_ decline?

Breathing deeply, my gaze fixes on the ceiling. How many times have I gone through this already? How many _more_ times will I wander about our quarters in the darkness, subjecting myself to this endless game of should I or shouldn't I? "Live in the moment," my master is always telling me. Live in the moment. Perhaps it's time I did. He wouldn't think anything less of me for making such an offer, even if he chose to refuse.

Would he?

I close my eyes, rubbing them fiercely. Enough second guessing. I'm just going to march right over there and...

"Perhaps I should meditate first?" I whisper, uncertainty creeping up on me again. I'm already stepping toward my room — and my favorite meditation rug — when reason snaps back into place, making me stop. _This is ridiculous..._

"Padawan?"

Adrenaline surges through me like a shock wave when I hear his voice. Whirling around, I stare wide-eyed at my master. He's standing in the open doorway to his bedroom, hair loose and disheveled, dressed only in a thin pair of sleep pants. In the shifting beams of passing sky traffic, I can see that he's been sleeping, his expression a mixture of drowsy concern and curiosity.

"Is everything all right, Obi-Wan?"

"Yes, Master." The reply is automatic. "I apologize if I disturbed you."

Even in the dim light I can see his eyes narrowing suspiciously. He knows me too well.

"Obi-Wan," he repeats, a gentle warning in his tone.

After a few moments of continued silence, I relent. Carefully steeling myself, I offer him what I hope will sound like a reasonable explanation. "I was just reflecting on the nature of living in the moment..." The last word just barely gets out before my vocal chords lock up.

My master's eyes widen slightly in surprise. He actually seems rather pleased as he shifts to lean against the door frame. "The nature of living in the moment?" he asks.

Unable to speak, I merely nod.

"This late in the evening?"

Perhaps I won't get off so easily. Not only does his voice sound like a sexy, sleepy purr, but the way he's tilting his head to scrutinize me through the dimness has mischief written all over it. Were it brighter in here, I would no doubt be able to see the sparkle in his eyes — the same one which always appears when I've done or said something he finds thoroughly amusing. My groin begins to tighten as I watch him watching me, and it takes a monumental effort on my part to douse the thread of arousal before I truly embarrass myself.

Have I mentioned lust? Yes, we're perfectly capable of feeling that too. Trust me. Any Jedi who says otherwise is lying.

"If you're having trouble sleeping, Padawan, I'm more than happy to assist you in finding peace."

I swallow thickly. Oh yes, one Force-induced suggestion and I'll be sleeping like a baby, not the least bit concerned with the next time I'll find myself standing in our common room late at night, fuming over why I can't bring myself to ask him one simple question.

"I was wondering..." I hear myself say, my mind whirling even as I realize what I'm about to do, "whether you would grant me the honor of sharing my bed tonight." The words are traditional and centuries-old, meant to offer solace and pleasure to another without adding the strain of possible unwanted — or forbidden — emotions into the mix.

The safe, Jedi way to get laid.

Qui-Gon's eyes widen, his back stiffening imperceptibly. Obviously he hadn't considered that I might make this request of him someday. My face is hot with embarrassment, but I don't look away. I can't. The deafening silence between us stretches until I'm convinced something is about to snap. My sanity, perhaps? Then, suddenly, he speaks.

"I would imagine your bed is a bit too small for both of us, Obi-Wan."

His voice is kind, but my mistake is brilliantly apparent. Lowering my eyes, I study the carpeting intently. The corner of my mouth quirks into a small, self-deprecating smile... What was I thinking? That this impossibly handsome maverick of a Jedi master would agree to such folly? With another man?

Rejection stings no matter how delicately it's put, and I admit to enduring more than one such experience in my lifetime. But this one hurts far more than any other... because he's my master, because he's my friend, because he guides me closer to my goal of knighthood every single day... and because after nearly thirteen years of standing beside him through thick and thin, I should have known him better.

"You're right, of course," I force myself to say, adding a quiet chuckle for good measure. I'm trying to sound nonchalant, but I can't tell whether it's working. "Silly of me to think you would fit in my bed."

He steps forward then, and I politely lift my face to meet his gaze even though I wish I could just crawl under a rock somewhere and be dead for a few days. His eyes seem unbearably blue as he draws near. It's probably better this way. Yes, definitely better...

"Perhaps we should use mine then?" he offers, his eyebrows rising playfully.

My breath leaves me in a single surprised cough. _Oh, Force..._

Before I can even question whether I've heard correctly, he holds his hand out to me. "I would be honored to share this night with you, Obi-Wan."

I must be grinning madly because he begins to laugh. Then I'm laughing too, and his hand feels so warm in mine as he leads me through the darkness. My frustration melts under his gentle but insistent touch as we thoroughly test the physical endurance of two healthy Jedi and a wide variety of Temple-issue furniture. We're both going to hurt like hell in the morning, but I, for one, couldn't care less.

Some things are just worth the risk.

~ * ~ finis ~ * ~


End file.
